Often times, we talk about cheating from a male perspective centered around his inability to stay faithful to one woman. But what happens when the tables are turned and she cheats on you. What do you do? How do you feel?
Let me begin by saying that I have never knowingly been cheated on by a woman with whom I was in a relationship. Only once did I even suspect that it was a remote possibility but I never pursued trying to find out because in my mind it just was not worth the energy or time. You can only cover those kinds of things up for so long – eventually it comes out if it were true. This comes from two perspectives: knowing females who have cheated on their husband or significant other and knowing guys who have been cheated on.
It is important to understand that the vast majority of women in relationships don’t cheat. As hard as it was to find the right man for her, she is not about the business of messing that up just to see how well some other guy can screw her. While she may fantasize on occasion, she stays in the reality of her situation when she knows she has a good man who compliments her and vice versa. Unlike some cheating men, she holds the vision of what she wants for herself and her family in the forefront of her mind and she exudes that in her behavior.
Let’s say for argument sake that out of 100 women in relationships, 10 of that 100 have cheated at some point during their relationship. Of those 10 women, only one admits to cheating on what she considers a “great” guy. She admits that she was being momentarily “loose” and wanted to do something to quench an unfulfilled fantasy. These chicks are very uncommon. Then there is another woman who admits she has no business being in a committed relationship because she is just insatiable and wants to get it in with almost anyone who wants to get it in with her. These women are an entirely different article themselves and will not be the center of this piece. We’ll call them the “Whore 15” (it’ll make more sense later).
We are left with 8 out of 10 women who have cheated in their current relationship. Their cheating almost seems surprising given the type of women they strive to be. There are multiple co-factors that play into the rationale for cheating for these women. What may appear simple on the surface for their infidelity is far from it. These women have far too much depth to do anything like cheat simply because it is offered or available. A comedian once said that women get offered d*** everyday. It is not anything they are not accustomed to and more often than not are well-equipped to decline or ignore it.
When this woman makes the decision to step out, it is not made in haste. A random escapade is not her nor does she necessarily want that on her resume. If she were single, she’d probably care less about the randomness – but she is not. She is married or she has a long-term significant other that she is with currently. Her choice of who she steps out with has often been thought about well before she acts on it. She knows him well enough to feel confident that he won’t hurt her. There are horror stories that may suggest otherwise but typically she has done her homework before she makes the call to take it there.
The “More 85” is the group of women that this piece is primarily discussing. The “More 85” are good women who feel pushed in some way to seek comfort, attention, affection etc. from someplace else because they don’t get it at home. They are your women who have been cheated on for no reason and need to be vindicated by pursuing the affections and attention of another man. They are your women who are in abusive relationships that extend beyond physical abuse. These are your women whose husbands/significant others make them to feel that they are taken for granted. These are your women whose men don’t talk to them or spend any significant quality time with them. In summation, these women cheat because of you.
For example, if you have a hard working woman and you are a lazy bum who makes excuses why you don’t work, that wears on her more than you know. She is sick of telling you get a job or to get some drive. She makes it well known that she appreciates a man who works as hard as she does. This isn’t about how much money you make or the fact that she makes more money than you. This is about your work ethic. She works hard and chances are she is around other hard working individuals every day. She does not like to see hard working men at her job and come home to a dude who spent all day watching “SportsCenter” or playing “Madden”/”Call of Duty”. She won’t say this to you directly because she doesn’t want you to feel that she is trying to emasculate you. But be clear. She isn’t happy with the status quo. The mere fact that it appears you’re not trying is a turn off to her. Basically she wants you to get off of your a$$ and go to work – especially because she does it every day. You have officially opened the door and are pushing her to seek what you don’t bring to the table someplace else.
Here is another one – your woman is involved in or has an interest in extracurricular activities. She’s active at church, social clubs, working out etc. She attends events that interest her. She wants to share those things with you but you criticize them. More expressly, you criticize her for getting involved because you think it is a waste of time. You don’t go – ever. We will use church as the example. She goes faithfully because spirituality is of deep importance to her. She is there by herself and while she is not the only woman there alone, she is exposed to other couples who share the experience of worship together. How do you think she feels? Especially when she comes home to you and she can’t she share it with you? She will start to seek what she is not getting from you from somewhere else.
Stealing, like cheating is wrong. But if someone is hungry enough, they will steal bread to cure those hunger pains – even if it is only temporary. When the “More 85” steps out, she is hungry. If the option is not available where she wants it, eventually she will start to ponder her options elsewhere – even if it pushes her to the point where she will do something immoral to satisfy that deprivation.
So why does she do it? Perpetual unhappiness in her relationship is big. She wants nothing more than to be happy in her relationship. Her relationship with you extends well beyond her interaction with you at home. To her, it is a 24/7 experience. Don’t believe it? How often does she communicate with you throughout the day when she’s at work (especially if she works a high stress job or a job she hates)? Why does she “bother” you with that nonsense? Because you are her voice of calm and reasoning. If she knows nothing else, she knows you are a place of peace for her in a crazy world. If she doesn’t try to talk to you when she is in need of comfort and calm, chances are YOU are the crazy world. She will want to get that peace from somewhere else and it will be the last thing you want.
This is no way to condone cheating on any level. Wrong is wrong. But in order to get past that fact, you must focus on the “why” and not the “what”. The “what” will not change – get over that. The “why” is much deeper. Its answers require truth and introspection. But it is these things that will ultimately help you get to the heart of the matter. Once you do that, it’ll become less complicated to focus on fixing the issues that plague your relationship.
So your woman becomes a member of the “More 85”. What do you do? The first thing you have to do is to recognize your role in her becoming part of the “More 85”. Yes, your role. This not to say that you are at total fault. You are not. She bears the brunt of her actions. But you did play a role – even if it was main, supporting or as an extra you are in this movie. Be honest with yourself. What could you have done better? What will you be better about going forward? Next, you have to forgive her – Regardless of whether or not you decide to stay or let the relationship go. Forgive her. The forgiveness is not for her. It is for you. It is so you can move forward. It is so you can focus on being a better and more complete man. Then you must determine whether or not the relationship is worth continuing. This is not easy at all. This is a process that will take some time. It may require you to go to counseling to get your issues out on the table. It may require you have to have some seriously unpleasant conversations with her. The important thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. You have to be honest with yourself about the whole situation. You know what kind of woman you are with. Is she in the “More 85” or “Whore 15”? Only you can answer that.
