By Maria Darii

The woman is a mystery that will forever be locked away from men.  Though we try and try, we can never understand their logic or actions. Just when one guy thinks he has it down, the women brains of the world unite to mix it all up again. That guy either dies horribly, ends up married with 16 kids, or disappears from the face of the earth. I am knowledgeable of many things and do not begin to ever allude that I understand the female mind. After waiting on my girlfriend to get ready, I started thinking of the only way to ever possibly understand what is really going on inside that head of hers. I would have to become one of them for at least a day or so. I’m not talking a sex change or anything, that’s absolutely absurd. More along the line of “What Women Want” (Mel Gibson) or some weird out of body experience. I would have to use my limited time wisely, and as such devise a number set of activities to accomplish in order to better understand the female species. After much deliberation, I was able to condense these activities into four.

Getting Ready

I’ve stood around near the bathroom, in the bathroom, the ceiling of the bathroom and I’ve still never figured out why it takes the female so long to get ready. I understand the makeup and additional smells that need to take place…I just figure I could do it so much faster. On the first day, I would rise from my slumber and prove to the world that a woman can actually get ready in 15 minutes. What I’ve discerned form observation is, women love to bullshit around in the bathroom. Look in the mirror a bit, dance, sing, look in the mirror again…etc. Once inside a woman’s body I may feel a bit different, but let’s face facts. As a woman, you can go out in sweats, with no make-up, hair a mess, flip flops, no shower, and guys will ask for those digits. When you take hours to get ready for a 15 minute appearance, you are, 1, holding us up and 2, making us late by association. For super formal events, we would be getting ready hours before anyway, which for guys means playing video games or watching sports, then getting ready 30-45 minutes before, and still being ready to go before YOU.

Logical Arguments

Attempting to win an argument or even get the upper hand on a woman has forever been futile. During my day in the woman’s mind and body, I will search for debates and see what triggers my “bring up the past” defense mechanism. I see myself being able to master this tactic in a very short amount of time. The key seems to be remembering every single, tiny misstep your partner makes, and being able to recall it with eerie, deadly accurate, football replay like memory. Then utilizing these events to immediately trump any type of defense or comeback. It’s like a freaking stick of dynamite that can be used over and over. Like pistol rounds in a shooting game or a knife. Infinite ammo, never runs out…this ability should be a damn super power. Most men have the ability regardless of emotional state to continue with logical points or just end the situation all together. My time in the woman’s mind would allow me to finally figure out the process which always makes them right.

Boobs & The Vagina

No matter what you do as a man, even if you gain tons of weight, you will never understand how having actually boob’s feels. I’ve often been told that big breasts are enjoyed by men but painful for women to carry around all day. It almost seems worth the trouble for the trials that men go through with women. Seems like an easy problem that stronger back muscles would fix. In my eyes, I think it would be a nice accessary to have, especially when needing a distraction to affect change, or persuade the outcome of a decision or situation. The vagina is the most powerful tool on the face of the planet, and it feels exceptional on the inside. The vagina can bring a nation to its knees, achieve wealth overnight, and turn even the most powerful man to a puppy (Game of Thrones). As R. Kelly and Jay-z stated, ‘” The power of the p-u-s-s-y. The reason why every man in the world dress fly.”


A man will go into a mall of 1000 stores and go directly to the store he desires for one item, purchase said item, and walk out. A woman is immediately overtaken by the amount of stores and must enter every single one, except for the ones interesting to the man. During my day as a woman, I would expect to experience the feeling of filling my bags with items I will wear once, spending hours trying on 700 pairs of pants, 600 pairs of shoes, and making the man carry the bags of credit card debt to the car. While I suspect there is a feeling of overwhelming accomplishment, I just wish to understand the logic. Once again, I find myself attempting the logic approach in a situation that clearly avoids it.

If any women can answer these questions or explain the “logic” behind them, I welcome the explanation. There are many things to do spending one day as the opposite sex, but for each of us the desire to understand is different. What would you do?

Batman stole all his stuff from me. I could totally beat up Liam Neeson.