Jordan McQueen

In 1984, the Brooklyn based hip-hop group Whodini released “Friends”. They told us that, “we all have them”. What they didn’t tell us, was that friends come in various shapes and sizes, for lack of a better term. As for myself, I keep a small group of friends that I feel I can always depend on in a pinch. I’m talking maybe 6-8 people that I always have contact with. Surprisingly, none of them are my immediate family. I’ve already made it known in a previous article that family can’t be trusted. Of course, this is my own opinion. Friends are a rowdy lot, and I’ve certain rules for friends that I will explain before I tell you of the ten types.

Rule Number One: Never be friends with someone you have to support

Rule Number Two: Have only one friend that can’t hold their liquor

Rule Number Three: Have a friend that is also competitive

Of course going forward I will elaborate on the ten types. For the most part, these rules have spared me bad friendships. As always though, no set of rules is flawless.

The Financial Friend

This is the friend that always needs you to pay his/her way into a venue. Maybe needs a few drinks from you at the bar or is always going through some sort of financial crisis. The friend that asks you for a loan knowing that they have no intent on ever paying you back. This friend can never chip in for gas at all and you probably want to keep them at a distance. Because he/she is the person that will let you get all the way to the venue and then forget that he/she didn’t bring money. However, most of these types are really good people they just have financial management issues.

The Drunk Friend

If you’ve ever had to babysit a grown adult, then you are familiar with this type of friend. The one who always gets “turnt up” when you enter the club and goes straight to the bar for ten shots of “whatever” with an additional three beers to wash it down. 30 minutes into the night and he/she is already harassing a group of club goers, telling you how much they love you, and then begging God to make the pain go away. This friend always needs a helping hand or a couch to crash on after a long night.

The Ace

This friend will always have your back no matter what. Need a wing man/wing woman? Your ace is there. Need a ride at 2am? Your ace is there. If you need to be bailed out of jail for some dumb sh*t you decided to do, your ace will be there to pick you up and may not address the subject until you are ready. When you think that you can not depend on anyone, your ace will be the only one there.

The Friend-enemies

These are the ones you believe loyal to your cause but wait in the wings for you to fail. Why? Usually because of envy or jealousy. Because you have something they want or they just don’t want to see you succeed. These snakes are very good at hiding among your real friends and usually are only friends by extension. Sometimes it will be the loyalty to you of the friend(s) you share in common that will cause the “Friend-enemies” to appear.

The Short Friend

I’m not talking about height in any manner. I speak of the friend who is always a dollar short. Regardless of the cost this friend is always asking for an extra buck. Not as bad as the financial friend, but just as needy.

The Loudmouth

This friend is always around to egg on a challenge that actually leaves you as the one backing it up. You keep this friend around because of pure entertainment value. Even though more often than not you end up in some type of trouble together. Being the loud mouth makes this friend more than willing to share opinion. A kill that comes in handy occasionally when you need an honest truth.

The Wingman

This friend is always doing what it takes to make sure you get lucky. Whether it’s talking to the ugly girl or playing defense to lure the fat friend away. Will act in the same capacity as your ace but usually just a really good clubbing buddy.

Whether you’re the person with a lot of friends or just a small circle, realize the value of friends and also realize when they are more of a draw back. The right friends can be the most valuable resource ever.

Batman stole all his stuff from me. I could totally beat up Liam Neeson.