By

photo-1422061289586-1060c743ec13

The demise of relationships is inevitable whether by death, dissolution or divorce. Obviously, there is no coming back from death (unless you are Jesus Christ or Lazarus and I don’t know if either of them had a girlfriend). But what happens when a relationship reaches its conclusion and sometime down the line, you decide to pursue that person again? When do you give the relationship another try? Is it smart to do a “second time around”?

When a relationship reaches its expiration, it can be difficult emotionally to be objectively reflective. That should not come as a surprise. For the most part, when we are at our breaking point the only thing we are concerned with is feeling better than we are in that moment. The times we have to walk away from someone aren’t always based on or in the negative. Sometimes, it is about us not being in the best space mentally and/or emotionally and so we go to the end all – canceling the relationship. In that choice, we leave several things to chance namely, we open the door for that other person to move on to someone else at some point.

The decision to allow that person to be available to the other opportunities is potentially one of great risk. Unless you’re in a relationship with a complete loser who is generally perceived as someone who brings no value to a relationship, chances are there will be someone else who will show an interest in them once it is clear that they are available. This is not meant to scare – this simply points out a stark reality. The saying “one person’s trash is another person’s treasure” rings true in this instance.

Imagine for a moment that the person you’ve decided to end the relationship with someone of recognizable quality. Sure they might have a few things that they could work on but all in all – they are a good person and great to be with in a relationship.  This simple fact makes it highly probable that they will find someone else and it may happen sooner than you would like. In truth, what are they supposed to do? Sit around, thinking about what could have been with you or should they do what you’ve forced them to do – move on? The fact is you’ve granted them a new reality to face and they must do whatever it takes to conquer it.

Do not be mistaken – even If you are the one who initiated the end of the relationship – it will bother you if and/or when you see them with someone else (especially if your relationship with them just ended). If you truly cared about the person, that doesn’t just stop because the relationship is over. However it should be noted that the biggest people find a way to be happy for their ex-lover even if the happiness was found independent of them.

As time passes, you may come to the realization that you want to try again with that ex. This can happen for multiple reasons. Perhaps there has been void that you’ve been unable to fill since the demise of that particular relationship. Perhaps you never really got over that person – they did something to and for you that is unlike anyone else. Maybe you came to recognize that they were who and what you wanted and needed all along but weren’t emotionally astute enough to grasp that in the moment.  Or could it be for less genuine reasons – like the fear of being alone or not wanting to see them with anyone else. Whatever the cause for the desire to try again, it must first be rooted in something real and unselfish. Otherwise, it is doomed from the start and will likely blow up in one’s face.

The decision to “Double Back” cannot be viewed or treated as such. In other words, going back to be with the same person is only true in theory. Chances are, since your last interaction with the person they’ve had experience and evolution – which likely means they are not the exact same person you were with previously.  They’ve changed and it is something you must be ready to handle good or bad. There is a story of a man who once owned a classic Ford Mustang. Due to unforeseen financial obligations he was forced to sell it. Many years later, he found the current owner of the car and made an offer to purchase the vehicle. The owner agreed and the man was able to get his car back. Two things can be taken from this: first, it is highly improbable that the man bought the car in the same condition in which he sold it. The car, while it may have had the general appearance it once did, was not in fact the exact same car he owned many years prior. It had mileage and general wear and tear that cars are expected to gather over time. Even if the car had been fully restored, there were things that the man would not be able to account for when he did not own the vehicle. Second, it is likely he paid far more for the vehicle this time than he did when he initially purchased it. Additionally, it is likely he paid more for it this time than when he sold it. This is the case for several reasons – namely inflation and market value. But the main reason is the current owner is well within their rights to quote whatever terms they wish. It is up to the previous owner to decide just how much they are really willing to pay to get what they desire. But they will pay!

There are several things one must be cognizant of if they make the decision to “Double Back” – regardless if they are the pursuer or pursued. As stated earlier, don’t be shocked if the other person has changed. In fact, the best way to treat them is as if they are a brand new person or relationship. This allows for the freshest start possible even if there is history. Your history together should have very little weight on whether or not to pursue a relationship. History is what was – not what can and will be.  Where are they now? Where are they going? Do you fit into their life? Does their life fit in what you want or need? All viable questions that must be answered when pursuing any relationship. How (if at all) have they changed? Are they emotionally where they need to be to move past your history together to seriously try again? What will make things different this time around? All viable questions to consider if you are considering a “Second Time Around”.

There is also a certain reality that must be embraced when considering a “Double Back”. Why did the relationship reach its demise the first time around? There’s a saying that “a leopard doesn’t change its spots; it merely conceals them to get what it wants”. When pondering whether or not to “Double Back”, one must give serious consideration to the facts. It’s important to have realistic expectations given those undisputable facts. Obviously the choice to give someone a second chance is one that should be made after giving it serious thought. If you decide to do the “Double Back”, what your circle thinks has no consequence. It is strictly about you and what you want and whether or not the other party is capable of consistently providing it long term.

Food for thought….

A man's deepest fear shouldn't be that he's inadequate; it should be that he is not pushing himself to be what he is meant to be - Max

Follow
Comments