When talking about relationships on any level, it is important to give serious thought to all the costs associated with relationships on any level. Whether we like to admit it or not, relationships have costs. Unfortunately, we don’t always consider that the costs vary depending on the relationship and how the other person feels and values the relationship. Regardless of the cost, there are seven things that could be considered deal breakers.
- Infidelity – Cheating. Messing around. Smashing other people. Whatever you call it, when you’re in a relationship this behavior can cost you a lot. Here is the thing about infidelity that is not often discussed: the act in itself is not the issue. Penetration is minor (I know that seems strange to say – but its true) in the grand scheme of infidelity. It is the behavior prior to the penetration that creates a problem for the other person. For some people, the acts of infidelity are much bigger than most like to consider. Go to lunch or dinner with a person of the opposite without clearance – infidelity. Carry on private conversations that seem inappropriate – infidelity. Enjoy someone of the opposite sex company more than your significant other – infidelity.
THE HIGH COST – Infidelity will likely cost you more than any of the other transgressions. It is not that it’s unforgivable; it’s just the one that is unforgettable. Case in point – Kobe Bryant bought his wife a $4,000,000 ring after his alleged sexual assault incident became public. His wife stayed but it is likely that she will never let him forget the embarrassment he caused her with the incident. But he can never tell her “no” to anything she wants to do because all she has to do is give him “the look” like “remember that time you cheated on me and it got out”. Basically, his infidelity will cost him until the end of time.
THE LOW COST – Infidelity won’t cost you much if you’re in an open relationship or practice polyamory. They are people who are okay with their significant other having sex with other people provided there are parameters in place.
- Lying – Nothing worse than constantly having to question whether or not your significant other is telling you the truth or lying to you (yet again). Dealing with someone you can’t trust is nerve wrecking. They say they were one place but weren’t. They are on the phone with someone all the time and won’t tell you who. They always have an excuse for why they can’t do something for you. Yada Yada Yada. It wears thin after some time. You don’t want to get to your breaking point with all the lying.
THE HIGH COST – The funny thing about someone who lies is they typically hate being lied to by someone else. The high cost could include long term emotional damage that lying causes. It could also lead to being in a relationship where the trust is completely gone.
THE LOW COST – There will be a low cost associated with lying in a relationship if you are involved with someone who lies too or doesn’t care at all about being lied to by you. (Good luck finding that one) Side note: It goes without saying but lying about infidelity is a bad combo.
- The Outside Baby – This is a big one. Depending on the circumstances and the length of your relationship, the outside baby could be the beginning of the end. First, the outside baby means you weren’t faithful at some point. Second, the outside baby is potentially a scarlet letter. It means that you can’t just cut off the relationship with the person with whom you were unfaithful. Third, the baby is not the issue but the baby is a constant reminder of the act. No one is condoning infidelity but having an outside baby just reeks in gross irresponsibility.
THE HIGH COST – Anyone interested in paying child support? How about taking money from your household every month that could be better spent? How about the hit your reputation potentially takes having an outside child?
THE LOW COST – It is difficult to find a low cost here but we will try. The only potentially justifiable reason to have an outside baby is if you and your significant other are on a relationship break (see Dwyane Wade and Gabrielle Union) but don’t be mistaken; just because they stay doesn’t mean you won’t pay in some way.
- Physical and/or Emotional Abuse – This is a touchy subject but in the reality of today’s world, it can’t be overlooked. Abuse on any level can cost you your relationship and there is not much to be done about once the act is committed. No one can blame anyone for getting out of a situation where this behavior is constant. Even a one-time act could be grounds for ending the relationship. This for a lot of people is an absolute deal breaker and understandably so.
THE HIGH COST – The end of your relationship is the easiest thing to point to but that is far too simple. When you physically or emotionally harm someone, they may never truly feel like they can trust you or themselves with you after the act. They may wonder if it’ll happen again in the future. They won’t look at you the same anymore and if they stay, your relationship may never be the same again.
THE LOW COST – There is no low cost. Maybe you save your relationship. But there is no low cost. None.
- Consistent Negativity – You never have anything nice to say about anything. You don’t support them in their interests, work etc. You are the eternal pessimist. That wears on them and ultimately the relationship. Maybe the constant unhappiness works for you. But it slowly chips away at them. With so much negativity in the world, no one wants to come home to someone who personifies it consistently.
THE HIGH COST – the person who is the optimist becomes the pessimist and the one who started as the pessimist can’t understand the change creating more tension in and on the relationship. It could also lead the person who needs the positivity to seek from other people.
THE LOW COST – If the relationship survives, the negativity becomes a staple and just a part of everyday life. But no one in their right mind can survive that type of environment long term.
- Stealing – Nothing worse than being with someone who you can’t trust with money or your possessions. Since most people work hard to get the things they want, the idea of having any relationship with someone who you can’t trust around your stuff will disgust you. You have to hide money. You don’t keep expensive in plain sight. You’re concerned if you leave them with your stuff what will become of it.
THE HIGH COST – Like lying, once the trust is broken it is very difficult to get back. Every time something comes up missing, they are looking at you – even if the behavior has stopped, you’ll still be looked at sideways.
THE LOW COST – Maybe they stay and put up with the behavior. But if you want a real low cost, just get involved with a kleptomaniac and you can steal from each other.
- Lacking Priority – This is one is an understated potential deal breaker. You don’t prioritize anything – especially them and the relationship. Everything else is more important to you and worse yet – you make them feel that way. They might understand but eventually it wears thin. They tire of the excuses. They tire of the constant nights alone.
THE HIGH COST – They check out of the relationship and check out on you because you make it clear you have no real interest in making you a priority in their lives. They might also begin to explore other possibilities like succumbing to others overtures.
THE LOW COST – They stay but begin to treat you like you treat them. They’re not a priority to you so they treat you like you’re not a priority to them (even if you actually are). The likelihood of the relationship surviving long term is slim if the pattern of lacking priority isn’t changed.
Obviously, there are more to consider but based on everything these could be considered the most egregious. How much will these things break you? Depends. The person with whom you share the relationship will dictate cost. One thing is certain – not everyone is has deep enough pockets to pay the deadly costs of relationships.
Food for thought….